Ever pass a “Jesus 2024” yard sign and think: Would they really vote for Jesus, though? Me too. That was what gave birth to this short comedy, featured in The Braided Way Magazine.
After two millennia, the church finally got what they waited for. Jesus returned. Sure, there was a conspicuous lack of earthquakes, blackening suns, horsemen, riders, or any of those other apocalyptic accoutrements… but it was definitely him. Rather than crashing in on a cloud to the soundtrack of heavenly fanfare, he just appeared one day, carrying on in much the same way he’d carried on two thousand years before—teaching and healing and multiplying foodstuffs across the Middle East. The only difference seemed to be that this time he had an Instagram profile. He’d had to go with @therealjesusofnaz33, as @therealjesus, @anointed_one, and @theonlybegotten were all spoken for.
As luck would have it, Jesus’s return fell on a US election year, so as one might expect, there was a powerful push for him to run for US president. Some commentators pointed out that Jesus didn’t meet the thirty-five-year-old age requirement. Others pointed out that he had neither been born in the United States, nor had he hadn’t been a resident for fourteen years (although the Mormons held he had long since filled this residency quota). Most seemed to agree, however, that these were extraordinary circumstances, and merited extraordinary considerations.
Jesus 2024 signs started springing up on lawns and street corners across the country, their owners hoping to pressure him into the race. Jesus, meanwhile, was reluctant. Political commentators and religious scholars alike pointed out that the last time people tried to make him king by force, it hadn’t turned out so great. After some deliberation, though, they convinced Jesus that times had changed, that hardly anyone got crucified anymore, and that he should take part in one town-hall style debate, at least. Jesus gave only one stipulation—that no cross-shaped pieces of jewelry be allowed. For reasons people had trouble comprehending, he found them off-putting…
From “Jesus 2024,” featured in The Braided Way Magazine